“Ah, the good old days.” As adults we all know what this means: remembering and wishing for a time when things were easier and more carefree.  Children typically have this longing as well but when this feeling becomes entrenched as a fear of growing up, it can evolve into a serious problem which is typically revealed through choices and actions.  In some cases, it seems that no amount of enticement or consequence can get a child back on track. Do any of these reflections from Sage Day parents sound familiar to you?

“My child gets along great with younger children and adults but not with peers”

“My child is athletic but won’t participate in sports anymore”

“My child is smart but won’t do his homework”

“My child has so much insight but shuts down and never opens up to anyone”

Our experiences at Sage Day tells us that when children consistently reject the encouragement, support and discipline meant to help them grow, it is often their way of showing us that they fear the future and long too much for their preschool years when they remember feeling safer, happier and more carefree. We know that as children mature they typically enjoy increased socializing with and reliance on peers, joining groups, competing, and achieving academic success. In contrast, children who are unable or unwilling to embrace these developmental tasks seek to remain firmly attached to childhood and tend to become isolated from their peers.  This only reinforces the fearful and anxious feelings for both the child and his parents.

The question of why and how this wish has become too powerful is complex and unique to each child.  Answering this question is the job of the child’s therapist at Sage Day.  Clinicians help children first become interested and curious as to why they make the choices they do. Later clinician and child work together to understand how these choices serve to protect the child from painful and frightening feeling states such as jealousy, anger, feeling unlovable, abandoned or alone, or feeling anxious and guilty about emerging sexual feelings. Ultimately, therapy becomes the place to explore the reality that there can be comfort and happiness in fulfilling responsibilities and becoming age appropriately involved at home and school.  In other words, therapy helps us to let go of the good old days and replace them with the good new days.

It is hard to watch your child hold himself or herself back from growing up and we know how eager parents are to see rapid progress.  It is helpful to keep in mind that the persistent and powerful desire to remain a child requires an equally persistent and sustained therapeutic approach to understand, clarify and interrupt the process.  Sage Day can help to move your child toward a sense of security, self esteem, motivation and optimism in the present so he can remember the past fondly but not need to stay there.

As Clinical Director, I spend a good deal of time interviewing potential ninth grade students and getting to know the students and parents of our Mahwah eighth graders who will be joining us in our high school in Rochelle Park, NJ.  I also have discussions with many of our seniors and their parents about stepping out of high school and into the future.  As far apart as these two groups of students are from each other, they share many similarities in how they will deal with these transitions.

Students about to enter high school are beginning to struggle with a huge dilemma.  They have an unattainable wish; to grow up and to stay a child.  In many ways this is parallel to an eighteen year old senior’s wish to be independent and at the same time, be taken care of.  The internal conflict that these transitions evoke is likely to be a source of turmoil both in a child’s life as well as in the life of their family. So, to both the parents of 8th graders and to the parents of seniors, may I say….fasten your seat belts it’s going to get bumpy!

These transition storms often come after a period of relative calmness.   An eighth grader may have just settled into the routine of middle school and is finally able to better tolerate the social pressures and rapid shifts in peer group alliances that are the hallmark of that stage of development.  A senior’s mood swings may have begun to even out a bit; the headphones may be removed from time to time with actual brief, but cherished, conversations.  When a child’s internal compass points them in the direction of change, any number of reactions can occur.  There may be a regression to previous problematic behavior, or there may be a flight to health; a tendency to take on more than they are truly ready for.  And then there is the mantra “I’m eighteen, you can’t tell me what to do!”

Waiting for this new journey to begin is sometimes more terrifying than the journey itself, not only for students, but for parents as well.  Watching students and parents ready themselves for the next chapter, is often like watching families at the gates of an amusement park.  There are the kids who can’t wait; they are charged with energy, focused and can hardly be held back.  They may have never been to an amusement park, but they know there is something waiting for them, and they can’t wait to find out what it is.  Others, will speak with a sense of bravado – “90 degree vertical drop at 100 mph, no big deal” – but they’re talking a little too loudly and a little too fast in an attempt to cover up the anxiety lurking beneath those brave words.  Then there is the child who bought the ticket for the giant roller coaster, stands on line and at the last minute, makes an excuse and heads for the merry-go-round instead.    Parents have as many different ways of handling the anxiety of the unknown as their children. Common to all of them is that they want their child to be safe, and to that end, they want to protect them from harm and rescue them from their anxieties.

Watching a child struggle is a very difficult challenge.  It is especially difficult when you have watched them struggle with so many issues and, perhaps, thought that they were in for some reprieve.  Now, the prospect of this new journey begins to raise new anxieties.

Parents of 8th grade students need to find new strength because there is no greater time where structure and absolute consistency makes as strong an impact as it does now.  Children at this stage will test and retest any boundaries that have been provided for them.  And while they need some wiggle room, parents should continue to provide the structure.

Seniors will handle the pressures of leaving high school in ways that are as unique and different as each of them.  The senior slump, where any interest in school seems to wane, is more about their wanting time to stand still than about them having had it with school work.  The future is looming before them and it’s scary; when frightening things lurk, some of children may scream and bolt and some of them may freeze.  Neither is a permanent condition and, in time, when they are ready for the journey, forward motion will return.

Not rescuing children from their anxious feelings is paramount as they transition into a new phase of their lives.  It’s hard not to, but allowing them to struggle, with parental support, of course, will help them learn coping mechanisms that will assist them throughout their lives.  Let them know that it’s a difficult time for them and acknowledge their feelings.  Parents need to set aside time to speak with their child – even if the parent is the one doing all the talking – or listening.  We want parents and students alike to know that staff at Sage Day is always ready to understand and support them through this journey.

1.  When and why did you decide to be an educator? Was there something or someone that influenced your decision to teach?

I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was in kindergarten because ever since I could remember it’s what I wanted to do. No one influenced my decision to teach, but I had teachers influence how I teach.

2.  What was your journey like to becoming an educator? Were there any struggles that held you back?

I loved my college experience and had no problems academically. I took honors classes in college; I loved to learn. The more I learned the better I felt. I’m certified to teach math and science (k-12). No struggles that held me back and all good experiences all around.

3.  What was your initial thought or feeling after our first day within the classroom?

I was overwhelmed, nervous and I couldn’t let the kids know that. Just out of college and standing up in front of the room and it’s a very serious and important role a teacher has. What I do can affect someone else’s life positively or negatively. 

4.  Was it difficult changing positions from a student to a teacher? How does it feel knowing you have that teacher role giving you the power?

Something I always looked forward to and I had a positive outlook towards it. I never considered teaching as a power trip and unfortunately a lot of teachers do. I treat students with the same respect I expect from them.

5.  After teaching for a long time, what continues to motivate you to keep you coming back the next day? How long have you been teaching?

I have been teaching for 33 years and this is my 34th year. Successful students and I know that what I’m doing is positively impacting young people. I love coming to work and I love my job, I never got burnt out from teaching for a number of years.

6.  What is in your opinion the most important part of your job? Why?

The most important part of my job is that students understand what I’m teaching. I know the stuff and I get it, what’s the point if they don’t get it and know the information. 

7.  What is your favorite part of the job? Why?

My favorite part of the job is interacting with young people everyday. I hope that I’m a good role model and that I’m making a difference in the world of the few students I have and that I make a positive difference in someone’s life, either academically or personally.

8. Do you have any goals for the future? Why do you want to achieve or accomplish these goals?

I have already retired from public school. I want to teach for as long as I’m able to, I enjoy it everyday.

9. What is the worst part of the job, if any? Why?

The worst part of my job is paperwork and I can’t stand it because I have to fill out reports, grade papers, grade tests, etc., but I do it on time.

10. Are you proud of your role in the world? Do you think your profession is a key factor to our future generations?

All I could say is absolutely and going to school everyday knowing I did an excellent job; it’s a good feeling to do that.

11. What does being an educator do for you? Are there any benefits you say are emotionally fulfilling?

I feel that I was given a gift to teach, manage classes for young people, and to be able to teach them what I need to. I feel good and it’s fulfilling to me in every way that I’m doing an excellent job. 

12.  What aspect of educational subjects (math, English, science) do you prefer to teach? Why?

I prefer math. I was a biology major in college and I swore that I never would do math. But, I love pre-calculus the most. 

13. Even though you teach your students educational material, have or do they ever teach you something? If so, is it something you are thankful for learning?

I grew up in an environment with people just like me. When I started teaching it opened up my eyes and I really saw diversity and what makes up our world and I’m thankful for learning all of that. Everyone should understand how different people can be and accepting of it.

14.  Do you have any fears relating to your job teaching? If so, what and why?

I don’t really have a lot of fears. But, I think students getting too attached to me and my personal life, there has to be a line that’s drawn is a fear and where that line is and am I stepping over it. For example, do I add students on Facebook?

15. Do you see any areas of the education system needing improvement?

As a teacher, I may have some opinions about some of the state testing, but I don’t feel I have the authority to criticize. 

16.  Where do you see yourself in five years? How about ten years?

Right here at Sage Day, continuing to be a role model and helping students being successful with pride and confidence. It’s hard to say what I’ll be doing in ten years, but the way I feel now, I’ll still be involved in education.

17.  Do you enjoy teaching in an environment such as Sage even though it is a therapeutic environment? Being in a therapeutic school, do you experience any difficulties more than a traditional high school? If so, why and how?

I do enjoy teaching here, there are many similarities to public school, the education aspect of it. I find the students here are actually able to accomplish more in a smaller environment rather than a bigger one. I feel that my caring personality is good for a therapeutic school. I really haven’t had any difficulties, this school supplies the support that the students need and I feel safe and taken care of.

Recently I had the opportunity to sit down and talk to Mrs. Danny, one of the English teachers at Sage Day Rochelle Park. Besides teaching English, she also runs the Reading Club and is a faculty advisor in the Peer Mediation program.

JT: What made you decide to teach at a school like Sage?

MD: I like the fact that it’s a small school because it allowed me to get to know my students better and to give them my individualized attention. I liked that it was a collegial atmosphere where I got to interact with the other teachers and staff members, and the small school atmosphere really allows for everyone to work closely together and to help each other.

JT: When did you start working here?

MD: I started here in September of 2007.

JT: Have you ever taught at a public school?

MD: Yes, I taught in public school for seven years before I came here.

JT: Where did you go to college, and what did you study?

MD: I studied English at Montclair State University.

JT: What do you like to do when you’re not teaching?

MD: I like to read, I like to spend time with my family, and I like to take long walks.

JT: If you were not a teacher, what would you like to do?

MD: I would probably be a real estate agent because I like working with people, and I was always interested in real estate and looking at homes and pricing and showing them.

JT: As an English teacher, do you have a favorite book to teach?

MD: There are actually a few I like to teach, but I think my favorite is Romeo and Juliet because the students tend to enjoy it, and we go back and forth between the play and the film and it really makes it come alive. Then we see the play after, and the students get to act out different scenes, which makes it fun.

JT: Is there anything you want people to know about the club you run?

MD: The reading club is just sort of a combination of quiet time, where you curl up with a good book, and sometimes the students discuss and swap books, though I don’t force them to do that. The students often just like to have the quiet time to themselves.

JT: How did you get involved in working with peer mediation?

MD: When I first started here, I had an associate named Ms. Morelatos, and she was involved in peer mediation, and she told me about the program, and I became very interested. When she left, I was happy to be able to take over in the program.

JT: Do you plan to keep teaching at Sage for a long time?

MD: Definitely.

The Winter Arts Festival is quickly approaching. At a recent town meeting on November 9th the theme was announced. The Festival’s theme this year will be Spiderman. A Spiderman display can be seen in Mrs. Hirsch’s (formerly Miss Weiss) room. 

The ADAPT Club (Art Design and Production Team) has been working hard to get everything prepared for the Festival. The theme was chosen in September and the team began creating the props in December. According to Mr. Grieco, “ADAPT has met several times already this year to discuss the layout and setup of the festival. Each season, we try to find new ways to decorate the gym and improve the visual presentation for each festival.”

Have you ever wondered how the theme is decided? “Several senior members of ADAPT choose a few popular movies, shows and games, which are then voted on by the design team. The senior and concept directors then decide on how we can bring the theme to life. There are many aspects that help us choose a theme – scale, production time, popularity and difficulty.” Mr. Grieco stated.

“With this year’s Spiderman theme, ADAPT is working on capturing the feel of a classic comic book. It will be our most complex festival layout of the past few years,” says Mr. Grieco.

Music preparation for the Arts Festival has also already begun. Mr. Maggiore said, “The band started preparing at the beginning of the year. Everything is finally falling into place and the songs are sounding as they should.”

The vocal club has also begun preparing for the festival by presenting and deciding on their pieces to sing.

Jeff T., a senior, said he is excited. “The Spiderman theme is a good idea because a lot of people like it.”

Julian B., a junior who will be performing at the festival is really looking forward to it. “I am totally excited for this year. Spiderman in going to be fun, and I really want someone to get bitten by the spider.”

In addition to the performances that can be enjoyed on February 3, Arts Festival gear will be available for sale. Preorders for shirts and lanyards are due by January 6th. For each shirt you buy, you get 3 tickets entered in the raffle and for each lanyard you get 1 ticket entered. The art and music team will also be selling guitar picks at 3 for $2 and guitar pick necklaces for $5. See Mr. Grieco for details.

“I never take NO for an answer,” is a statement said with pride, as it is associated with perseverance, success and strength. Those who cannot take no for an answer suffer greatly when they realize that the world will just not stop saying “no”.  As educators and clinicians, we are often confronted with students who, to their detriment, cannot take “no” for an answer.  When confronted with a “no”, these students do not respond with, “I’ll find another way” or “I’ll see if there are other options.” To the contrary, these students will respond to “no” with, “I want it my way!” When the answer is still no, these students may respond with various maladaptive behaviors including outbursts of temper, misbehavior, social withdrawal or subtle efforts to manipulate their way to “yes.”  Compounding this problem is an increasingly widespread adult belief that kids should be absolutely protected from disappointment, failure and frustration. Of course, we do not want our children to experience pain, but in most cases “no” is not life threatening but is actually preparation for dealing with the world and the limitations of our will.

At Sage Day, we spend a lot of time working with students to help them tolerate hearing the “no” in life.  Clinically speaking, this is the work of developing the ego in the areas of frustration tolerance, delay of gratification and working-through disappointment. When students develop these ego strengths they make the greatest gains and begin to feel they can handle more in life.  When these ego strengths are not developed, the student feels like a victim in the world.   Disappointments feel like attacks and the student may respond in ways that are out of proportion to the offense. These maladaptive responses can lead to social isolation and the student’s sense that things are not going well becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The student who cannot take “no” for an answer will often conclude that the school is the cause of his problems and develops the notion that a new school will be the cure-all. Thus, for many students, the first several weeks at Sage Day can be a honeymoon period.  The student is grateful to be in a place that feels different from whence they came. Although the previous environment may have exacerbated their anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed, it is only in rare cases that the environment is the sole cause. In fact, when students come to Sage Day, they do not check their problems at the door. The difference at Sage is that we have the time and staff to help students work through their disappointment in discovering that a mere geographic change is never a complete solution. We respond to this disappointment with a lot of empathy and tact but we balance this with clear expectations and limitations that provide the student with the opportunity to learn to tolerate frustration and press on even when everything is not going her way.

Students slowly begin to realize that they are the architects of their own growth and that positive changes result from plain old work. This work takes place in therapy, in class and in the social arena. To aid in this process we do not have to create frustration or disappointments. These just happen. When disappointments and frustrations do arise, we are there to help the student pick up the pieces. The process is slow and the work is hard.  There is resistance and testing along the way, as students will frequently resort to their maladaptive habits and tactics for handling frustration. We respond by staying the course and helping parents to do the same. The result is a stronger and more resilient person who is better prepared for what is next in life.

John Reilly, MSW, LCSW is the Executive Director at Sage Day Schools as well as a Psychoanalyst and Certified Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist.  John can be reached at email or call  201-723-2473.

Childhood and adolescent bullying has been around since time in memoriam and has been viewed as part of growing up.  Fortunately, our understanding and tolerance of bullying has progressed.  Bullying was assumed only to involve the interaction between the aggressor and the victim.  Now bullying is recognized more often as a triangle consisting of three components: the bully, the target and the bystander. Bullying is not always physical, but can be verbal, and is now complicated by the use of technology named “cyber bullying” through the use of texting, ‘sexting’, instant messaging, email and often social networks such as Facebook, MySpace, etc. Bullying occurs in the presence of an audience of peers about 85% of the time (Craig & Pepler, 1992) and is most likely to occur where there is a lack of adult presence.

To understand bullying, one must understand the players:

The Bully

Bullying has been defined as “unprovoked, repeated and aggressive actions or threats of action by one or more persons who are perceived to have more power or status than their victim in order to cause fear, distress or harm” (Kim & Logan, 2004).  These actions can leave the victim feeling ashamed, fearful and powerless. Bullying accidents are not accidental and are intended to inflict harm upon the victim. Most children and adolescents do not hurt other kids – bullies do.  In bullying, negative behavior is continuous and can escalate until stopped.

The Target

Bullies are adept at identifying other students who lack the social skills, abilities or personal characteristics to defend themselves or mark them as vulnerable. The target can react negatively to conflicts or losing; targets are typically cautious, sensitive, quiet, anxious and insecure. Targets frequently lack the necessary social skills to use humor and assertion, nor are they particularly adept at developing peer relationships.  Targets may be difficult to recognize because they do not ask for help nor do they stand up for themselves. Ongoing and pervasive bullying affects self-esteem and the ability to perform at school. Often the target suffers in silence.

The Bystander

Bystanders are the witnesses to a bullying event and are never innocent. Some bystanders may be excited or entertained by the action.  Other bystanders may think that the bullying is cool and identifies with the bully. Other bystanders may believe they will be spared as the bully is not turning on him/her. A bystander might believe that speaking up would not help and that the bully cannot be deterred.  At very least, the bystander feels conflicted about his or her lack of action.

What do we do to address bullying in schools? 

First, we need to provide schools where students are treated with respect in a warm and nurturing environment. Clear limits and expectations by all staff members are essential.  The environment should have a clear consensus of what it means to be a good person, that all members of the school community be treated with dignity and respect, and that staff can be approached when there is a problem.

Secondly, we must teach the courage to face and overcome bullying in the face of fear. Bullying is an injustice and imbalance of power.  It takes self-confidence and strength for a target to resist and avoid bullying.  As adults, we need to help our students find the strength to intervene when witnessing a bullying event and to care about the target.  It is not suggested that a student physically intervene in such an event, but to look for assistance from an adult if necessary. Teaching our students that to be a bystander to bullying and not doing anything to stop it is part of the victimization of a fellow student.

It is essential for us to help students to rise to the challenge to take safe and intelligent action to protect themselves as well as others.

Gail D’Aurelio, Ed.S., LMFT is Clinical Director of the Boonton, NJ Campus of Sage Day Schools. You can reach Gail via email or call 973-402-4700.

On Friday, October 21st the Mahwah campus of Sage Day Schools hosted a presentation for over 100 educators, mental health clinicians, parents and interested parties on adoption. Presenter Madeleine Krebs, LCSW-C: Clinical Coordinator at the Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.) located in Burtonsville, MD was very well received.

Ms. Krebs pointed out that one-third of adolescents referred for psychotherapy are adopted. This underscores the importance of asking clients, students and parents about their experiences of adoption. Too frequently professionals do not even think to ask.

A profound loss is at the core of all adoptions. “Adopted children lost the opportunity to grow up with their biological family.” The issue is that adoption is typically believed to be “a problem solving event [with] all gains, no losses.” This can make it easy for professionals, adopted children and their families to overlook the mourning that needs to take place. However, Ms. Krebs pointed out, “we know that losses that are not mourned are DEBILITATING-freezing the individual in a state of uncertainty.”

Ms. Krebs also pointed out, “Adolescence raises many complex questions for parents whose children are adopted. Among these questions are, “Will my child become confused about her identity? Will a sense of abandonment and rejection replace feelings of security and comfort? Will being adopted make adolescence harder for them?” Ms. Krebs added, “These questions do not have easy answers but what we can say with some assurance is [first], being adopted is an integral part of an adolescent’s history and must not be ignored. [Second], adopted adolescents can successfully confront and resolve the special developmental issues adoption brings to this challenging stage.”

Krebs went on to share some of the core issues in working with adopted teens:

• A critical developmental milestone for adolescents is the development of an identity. To accomplish this task the adolescent must figure out how they are alike and different from their parents. Teens raised by biological parents already know how they are LIKE their parents; the task for them is to figure out how they are unique.
• Adoptees must define who they are without the basic knowledge of where they came from. They must figure out how they are alike and different from BOTH their adoptive and birth parents.
• It is difficult for an individual to feel connected to a history of a people without knowing his ethnic background
• Separation/Fear of Abandonment: Adoptees may find separating from family very threatening, or they may fear losing a second set of parents. There may also be resurfacing of early losses. They have a heightened sensitivity to losses and even transitions (graduations, change of schedule, even moving from classroom to classroom).
• Control and power struggles are the hallmark of adolescence. Parents don’t want to give up control, while teens strive for independence. For adoptees the tension is greater; they may feel someone has always made decisions for them.
• Adopted teens may have a pervasive feeling of not belonging. For instance they become keenly aware of the physical differences between themselves and their adoptive parents.
• Adopted teens have a strong need to connect with the past.

And finally, Krebs provided key tasks for professionals treating adopted adolescence. Help them:

• process and understand the reasons for adoption
• cope with missing or difficult information
• cope with feelings of being different
• explore and get a sense of their identity
• explore and share conflicting feelings about loyalty
• achieve a sense of permanence with regard to family

Many attendees remarked how much they enjoyed the presentation. One attendee, a mental health professional who identified herself as having been adopted and as having an adopted child herself, said she had attended many workshops about adoption over the years and that this one had been “by far the best.”

School avoidance in children and adolescents is a growing issue that impacts not only the student but the entire family, school personnel and mental health professionals working with the student. Although school avoidance may appear to be a very simple or concrete issue to resolve, it is often misunderstood and consequently minimized or mistreated. Without proper intervention, the student’s attendance further deteriorates, his/her anxiety further increases and this cycle is perpetuated. Ultimately, the school avoidance is exacerbated over time and can result in clinical depression.

Most school avoidance issues stem from strong feelings related to the process of separation/individuation. Frequently, the school avoidant child has anxiety about separating from his parent(s) and is intensely worried about peer/social relationships at school. In other cases, the child is afraid to separate from the parents due to concerns about the parents’ own feelings about separation. Unfortunately, the feelings that lead to school avoidance are very often not identified, discussed or understood by either the child or the parents. These can be overt feelings of anxiety or other underlying feelings such as abandonment, disappointment, guilt, worry, shame, embarrassment, etc. These unexpressed and unaddressed feelings become key precursors to school avoidance.

Although it is difficult to recognize feelings that have not been expressed, there are early (and often subtle) indicators prior to the onset of significant school avoidance that parents and school personnel are advised to address before the situation intensifies. The following are some of the common signs of a child’s increasing anxiety that lead to school avoidance:

• Increasing/excessive tardiness
• Monday and post-holiday absences
• Increase of vague somatic complaints in the morning
• Unspecified illnesses or sickness in the morning
• Unsubstantiated complaints about peers and teachers
• Crying and/or tantrums when topic of school is brought up
• Irrational excuses by the child about why he/she cannot go to school on a particular day (such as, “I’m already late and can’t walk in during the middle of a class”)
• Fantasy-like communication by the child related to his/her absenteeism (such as repeatedly promising to go to school tomorrow and then not going).

It essential to recognize these signs at an early stage rather than assume that the child will just start feeling better and initiate his or her return to school. The reality is that the child’s emotional state will not improve when he/she is at home and not receiving treatment to deal with feelings related to separation/individuation. It must be emphasized that, while the child may indicate that he/she is feeling better during a school day spent at home, these feelings are very temporary; they provide relief for the child in the moment. The underlying feelings will continue to resurface the next morning when the anxiety returns about separating and going to school for the day.

Treatment professionals need to help the child’s parents take charge, provide firm expectations and make decisions, rather than allow the child to dictate the appropriate course of action. Although parents often worry that pushing the child to do something he/she doesn’t want to do will only make the situation worse, the current situation will only continue to deteriorate in the absence of intervention and a clear message.

Treatment professionals may also need to address underlying parental ambivalence about their child going to school against his/her own will. This ambivalence needs to be brought into consciousness, understood and worked through by the parents in order to diminish the likelihood of unconsciously sabotaging the student’s return to school. It is essential that the parents realize this and make staying home less comfortable for the child if he/she resists going to school (for example, by withholding Internet, phone and TV or other privileges, and/or by involving a truancy officer.)

Early detection and intervention by professionals may allow the school avoidant student to remain in his or her district school. Treatment should be implemented at an appropriate level of care (school counseling, CST worker, outpatient therapy, partial hospitalization, inpatient hospitalization, etc.)   Additionally, individuals who have meaningful relationships with the child should be considered as resources in helping to remedy this situation. When school avoidance becomes entrenched, placement in a therapeutic milieu may be indicated.   At Sage Day, we address school avoidance through ongoing intensive collaboration between student, parents, therapist, teachers and administrators. Sage Day professionals work closely with student and parents and consistently reinforce the idea that the treatment team can most effectively handle the fallout of the child’s emotions when the child comes to school.

Overall, it is important not to minimize school avoidance by attributing it to the child being a so-called “bad kid” or simply oppositional, defiant, confrontational or angry. Children who are susceptible to school avoidance may very well be angry but they are often also sad and anxious. As mentioned above, the key is that the school avoidance is an expression of the student’s unspoken feelings. If the student does not receive the support that enables his/her expression of these feelings, school avoidance can become increasingly entrenched and the resulting social isolation and education gaps increasingly problematic. Ultimately, if the issue of school avoidance is to be resolved once and for all, it takes a concerted effort from parents, school personnel and mental health professionals.

Zachary Schwartz, MSW, LCSW is the Clinical Supervisor for the Sage Day Schools in-district Sage program at Glen Rock Middle School as well as a Certified Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist. Zack can be reached by email or by phone at 201-445-7700 x 6228. For more information about the Glen Rock Middle School program click here: Sage Program at Glen Rock.

Look through the local papers and you will find numerous offerings available to parents to provide their children with tutors and enrichment classes, help in mastering academic material, private sports coaches, music lessons, speed and strength training, SAT prep classes, specialized camps, etc.  Parents seek these services to provide their children with a competitive advantage.  We are accustomed to the idea of helping our students compete in the arenas of sports and academics.   One area that is often overlooked when it comes to readiness and competition is that of emotional strength and flexibility.  The Partnership for 21st Century Skills identifies the four C’s necessary for success in the 21st century workforce. These are Communication, Collaboration, Critical Thinking and Creativity. The savvy 21st century parent knows that being emotionally strong is a prerequisite to being able to exercise these four essential skills to their fullest.

Emotional strength is the foundation that allows people to handle new situations through understanding who they are and how to use their feelings.  If we want our children to be ready for the world we have to provide them with the tools to handle conflicts, disappointments, opportunities, success, failure,  love and friendships – not just the ability to kick a soccer ball or solve for X.   Teaching children to understand their feelings during stressful or demanding situations rather than becoming overwhelmed gives a meaningful advantage to handling what life has to offer.  Children need to be able to prepare and plan and to recover from difficulties when they occur.  This is best done by facing adversities with support available during a time when the stakes are not so high.   Having a therapist to help debrief, strategize and process how to navigate a difficult situation is an invaluable tool for life – one that can be internalized and accessed for future experiences.

We are constantly amazed by the strength of our students who work with their therapists and teachers to develop the tools and abilities that will serve them well in life. Students who face adversities and learn how to use support systems to overcome them earlier in life have a distinct advantage over students who wait until they are faced with the higher-stakes challenges of college or the workforce. Read our testimonials to hear how Sage Day helps its students prepare for the demands of post-secondary life.

John Reilly, MSW, LCSW is the Executive Director at Sage Day Schools as well as a Psychoanalyst and Certified Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist.  John can be reached at email or call 201-723-2473.